Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
