I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
