Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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