I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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