Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
