I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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