The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
