Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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