I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
