Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
