My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
