i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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