can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
