haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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