You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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