my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
