I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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