I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
