Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
there is puke in my bra ... again
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
