Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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