Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works