I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
