she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
