Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
