If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
