We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
