Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
