i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
