You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
