Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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