My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
