Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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