I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
