i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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