I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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