Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
