I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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