Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
