Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
