i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
