apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
