You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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