party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
