I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
