the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My balls are so social today.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
