Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
