I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
