my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
