last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
