when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
