Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
