I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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