i jhust puked up my retainher.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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