I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
