the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
