My friends, they love my intelligence
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
