some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
