Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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